The Splat Grind--7/11

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even the impossible 120% hazard ceiling. If you’re watching this, that means I have successfully settled into my new apartment. You can send housewarming gifts to 6969 Salmon Run Road apartment 420, San Antonio, TX 80085. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week and a half.

June 30: It’s a little past 7, and I’m ready to do some Eggstra Work. For those who don’t remember, I didn’t play in April because my wi-fi was out, but now it’s not, so this will be my first time. All I know is it’s got five waves, and they adjust the hazard level between waves. It’s on Gone Fission Hydroplant, and the weapons are the Dualies, Slosher, Brella, and Splatling.

The first wave–is that person named tree eater?--the first wave, I had the Dualies on high tide. The first boss was a Maws near the basket. I tried to throw a bomb but was out of ink, but we make it work. The second boss was a Flipper-Flopper which I had to ignore because there was a Flyfish right there. After we dealed with that, we could get back to the Flipper-Flopper. Overall, easy high tide. The second wave, I had the–90%?! I guess I’d have to deal. It was normal tide, and the lights are going out. The thing about that is Mothership is easy. I’d just have to go out there, shoot out some Chinooks, and what am I doing with the Dualies again? Anyway, I go around, shoot down Chinooks, throw eggs in the basket, normal Mothership stuff. Moving on. The third wave, I had the Dualies at low tide. Am I just going to get the Dualies every time? Also, we’re at 120%. Uh oh. The first bosses in were a Steel Eel and a Steelhead. I move out to the left to see if I can take out the Steel Eel. All it took was the Steelhead looking at me to make me realize maybe I shouldn’t have struck out on my own. I rejoin the rest of the pack, and we…yeah, we didn’t get into gear. There were Flyfish bombing us and Steelheads bombing us and Steel Eels protecting Scrappers, and we just couldn’t get eggs into the basket. We timed out with 10 eggs out of 20.

Luckily, Eggstra Work doesn’t affect my rank, so I have nothing to lose. I go in again. As I was waiting to land on the Hydroplant, I was thinking, “Dualies Dualies Dualies Dualies Dualies.” I got the Dualies! The first wave was high tide again, and do the bosses spawn in the exact same way every time? Maws over here, Flipper-Flopper over there, Drizzler in the corner. Another easy first wave. The second wave was 90%, and Mothership is still easy. Shoot the Chinooks, throw the eggs, shoot away the Mothership. I actually managed to obliterate a Chinook by throwing an egg. It was in the way. I don’t think I even noticed it until after I pressed A because I saw it blow up in front of my face and another egg just lying there. I also got splatted by a Chinook with two seconds left. How does that even happen? Anyway, we made it out. Third wave was low tide at 120%. The first bosses, once again, were a Steel Eel and a Steelhead. This time, I try going to the right. Then the Steelhead looks at me with its big ugly face, and I decide I shouldn’t be here, either. I swim back. My teammates beat the Steel Eel, so it’s all good. Then the Steelhead and its Steelhead buddy make it to the basket, and things really get ugly. Any revivals were immediately negated because three of us were getting blown up at once, and there are these three Scrappers zooming around and a Flyfish bombing us in the distance. How were we supposed to do anything? We were wiped out with six eggs out of 20.

So basically, we’re just a bunch of people who can’t handle 120%. Good to know.

July 1: It’s day 2 of Eggstra Work, and I have a strategy: don’t reach 1.5x the quota. I know it sounds like the baby’s way out, but it’ll be better for us in the long run. I also found out that I haven’t been playing at minimum motion control sensitivity like I thought I was. Apparently, I turned it down for tabletop mode instead of handheld, so I turned it down for handheld, too.

This time, I had the Slosher, so I guess I can’t have the Dualies forever. It’s high tide at 60% hazard like usual. Start with the Maws in the corner, gone. Flipper-Flopper comes next. I had to go in a circle to find it, but my teammates beat it just fine. Flyfish in a different corner. It’s too far away to bomb, but hopefully, I can KREB it to death. I was feeling good about myself…until we hit 15, and I knew that the next wave would be much harder. The thing about that is Mothership is still easy. I could go around knocking down Chinooks, and with the added range of the Slosher, I could kill them from even further now. Mothership, done. Now it’s time for the fated 120% hazard low tide. We start with our buddies, the Steel Eel and the Steelhead. I try going to the left this time. I get close to beating the Steelhead, but then I fall into the water trying to run away from the bomb. My lifesaver is far away from everyone else, and the closest route back to them had water in the way, as I’d find out by falling into it. I had to go the long way around, slipping around the Steelheads to get to my buddies. DJ AC-Lux Reefslidered me back to life, and I was back in action. It was still hard trying to beat the many bosses coming for us. Then Cute Kitty had the bright idea of using a Triple Inkstrike, and the eggs came raining from the sky. All I had to do was start getting them to the basket, which would be easier if I hadn’t been killed by this Drizzler. Then I was brought back to life and could get back to egg duty. I got a few more in before I got the one player left warning. I only had a second to realize I was the one player left before I died. We were wiped out with 13 eggs out of 20.

Let’s go in again. I still had the Slosher. The first wave was high tide at 60%. I know what’s going to happen. Maws in the corner–that Maws is not in the corner, and the Brella is dead. I got in a good position to bomb it, and then I died. Luckily, the two remaining teammates are good at reviving. After that, we were good to go. We got the egg count to 15 and then to 20, and then I really started to get scared. But what was there to be scared about? It was just the difference between 90% hazard and, what is it, 100? Actually, it’s 120%. Well…Mothership is still easy. Our quota was 18 now, which we had blasted through before, so I don’t know what went wrong. We were getting the eggs in the basket like usual, but we took our time repelling the Mothership, so we might have lost a few eggs too many. All I know is we were at 15 with 10 seconds left, and the Chinooks were landing before we could shoot them down. We timed out with 15 eggs out of 18.

Will Daphne ever be able to break 120% hazard? Find out next time on Splatoon 3 Eggstra Work.

July 2: Well, boys, it’s the last day of Eggstra Work. Our mission is simple: be as mediocre as possible so our hazard level never goes up ever. But still win.

The first wave, I had my Dualies back, baby. It was high tide at 60%. First boss was a Maws in the…opposite corner from the one I was in. Don’t worry. I’m on my way. And then I fall in the water. Maws is gone. I beat the Flipper-Flopper, beat the Drizzler, notice a second one on the opposite corner, wonder how I never saw it before, and then just decide to run away from the Ink Storm coming towards me. I get splatted by the Drizzler. This wave is not my proudest moment. We still get the 15 eggs, which I’m initially mad about, but we’ve handled Mothership at 90% before. I started out shooting Chinooks, getting eggs to the basket like usual. I think where I messed up is that I decided to take the long route to the basket when the actual Mothership showed up, so we lost a few more eggs than we should have, but we were able to get enough eggs in to cover the cost. However, we did not break 1.5x quota. My plan was working. Now wave 3 was only 90%. Hopefully, the quota of 16 would make it easier for us. The first bosses were the Steel Eel and Steelhead as usual. I had learned my lesson on going to the left, so I went to the right and tried to take the Steel Eel from there. One of my teammates got it instead. They also took both Steelheads. That’s when our old buddy the Flyfish came in. I bombed one compartment and then noticed the Drizzler coming in. I swim all the way across to take out the Drizzler, and then I see the missiles coming in and think “OH WAIT! I ONLY BOMBED ONE COMPARTMENT!” and then I died. We made it out but barely. Finally, we were past wave 3, and wave 4 was still only 90%. Cannon round shouldn’t be that hard. The first boss in was a Flipper-Flopper, and two of us were in our cannons gunning for it. I don’t think we ever stranded it. The other person just shot it out of the air. Now it was time to get the eggs. We get the eggs. Then I turn around and see the rest of the bosses. Luckily, smokedanny had the Triple Inkstrike and bombed a bunch of them all at once. However, they missed the three Slammin’ Lids all lined up in a row. The eggs were still obtainable, but I’d have to do the hardest core of parkours and make the closest of calls, and it didn’t help that these Slammin’ Lids only spawned Cohocks. Eventually, I just splatted one. We had 10 seconds left, our egg collecting had plateaued, and I was dead. We just needed three eggs to win, and I had one. Someone revived me, I popped my egg in the basket, and that’s it. No one else had any eggs. We timed out with 14 eggs out of 16.

You know what, I made it to wave 4, and that’s what counts. I’m tapping out. Thanks for being mediocre with me.

July 8: So I am finally in my new apartment, and it’s time to test my new wi-fi router with 2v2 Tower Control on Hammerhead Bridge with the Big Swig Roller Express. But first, I need to get my Team Vanilla shirt. I’m not a heathen.

The first battle was on Hammerhead Bridge, and I was with Your Mom. This is why I love Splatoon. The downside is that the other team had a Neo Splash and an Aerospray RG. When you have a roller in Tower Control, the first step is obvious: vertical swing, swim forward. Vertical Swing, swim forward. Step two: get blown up by a suction bomb, which set the stage for the rest of the battle. I’d try to take them from the sides, but they’d always seem to spot me. However, the tides turned when I swam onto the tower and wiped them both out with one horizontal swing. And then we just hid on the tower. And then started squidbagging when we realized they weren’t coming back for a while. We made it to checkpoint 1…and that was it. They took the tower back, and we were wiped out in one minute 55 seconds. I got four splats, and Your Mom only got one assist.

The second battle was on Hammerhead Bridge, and I was with…I’m assuming their name is milo and those lines on the side are for decoration, and both of our opponents had dualies. That was funny. Anyway, the start was simple: vertical swing, swim forward, vertical swing, swim forward, get on the tower, get off to avoid the Torpedo. Anyway, milo was helping hold down the fort even when I was running around like a weenie. The start was great. I would stay on the tower while milo guarded the sides. And then we died. We never got our footing back after that. We just had to watch as they worked their way towards us. We were knocked out in two minutes and 52 seconds, and I got seven splats. We were really going to win this one. I promise.

The third battle was on Hammerhead Bridge, and I was with Matt Stone. Our opponents were UR MOM and Matt. I swear, everyone in this game has the same three names. Our teams were awfully similar. Let’s see, what do we have here? We have a shooter with a Booyah Bomb totally carrying on splats breaking 1000 points in turf and one roller really just trying their best. The difference was one of those rollers had Kraken and one had Ink Storm and was being wielded by a nervous twenty-something who hasn’t played in almost a week and sometimes gets the buttons mixed up. Actually, it was only the beginning that was bad. We had the tower for a big stretch at the end. I even thought we were going to take the lead, but the enemy team snatched the tower from us at the last second. We lost by three points, and I got seven splats. I wasn’t as mad this time. They at least gave us a chance. We just didn’t have the time.

The fourth battle was on Hammerhead, and this time, my partner was kujostars. The other team had a Splash-O-Matic and a Wiper Deco. My first thought was “Oh, God,” but then I thought again when I got on the tower and watched kujostars run right past me. This person knew what they wanted. They went right to the people and just started killing them. They got splatted twice, but they just kept going. I don’t think I did anything. I just hid on the tower and watched the bloodbath. I got nervous as I pulled into the goal that the enemy team would get the jump on me, but they died first. We won in a minute and seven seconds. That was the weirdest 2v2 battle I’ve ever been in out of the four 2v2 battles I’ve ever been in. I only got three splats, which is actually a good thing because it means kujostars was really carrying.

The fifth and final battle was on Brinewater Springs, and my partner was GG. This stage isn’t a straight line like Hammerhead Bridge, so I had to vertical swing and swim diagonally, something the enemy team didn’t pick up on because we had the tower first. We got to checkpoint 1 before the enemy team took the tower and also got to checkpoint 1. That’s when I rolled around the back of the tower, and we launched a two-pronged attack. After that, our fate was sealed…except for the time I died before I could pick up one of GG’s drinks, but I super-jumped back in and kept mashing the enemy team to death. We won in a minute and 42 seconds, and I got six splats and 420 points. Nice.

My power for this challenge is 1118.4. Honestly, I’m glad I broke 1,000. My Big Swig splat count is now at 61? How is that even possible? Am I finally good with the Big Swig Roller Express? Have I reached peak wild-mashing? Or maybe it’s just because it’s challenge day, and I played five battles. Either way, it’s pretty epic.

July 9: I know my initial plan was to only play Eggstra Work and Tower Control duos, but they just had to put a random weapon rotation on Jammin’ Slammin’ Salmon this weekend, and I can’t say no to that. Also, I cleared out my entire weekend for this move, but I got everything unpacked by the end of Saturday, so I’m just bored. Anyway, random weapons.

The first wave, I had the Grizzco Blaster on low tide. Um, okay. The lights were going down. Giant Tornado? Nah, it’s cannons. I get in the first cannon I see and watch the first Fish Stick of the round fly in. I keep aiming and firing at it until I obliterate the whole thing in one blast before it can even land. We get the eggs, and then I strand a Flipper-Flopper and kill it in the blink of an eye. The Grizzco Blaster should be illegal. Easy cannon round. The second wave, it took me one press of ZR to recognize that swing. I had been given the Inkbrush. It was normal tide, but the lights were going down. Then I had to give a great big “Really?” as I discovered I had been given the Inkbrush for Grillers. Luckily, for most of the wave, I had no Grillers tracking me, so I could stay to the sides or back and slap them with my wet rag. Then I noticed one was tracking me and thought, “I should just run away, keep as much space between me and them as possible.” I realized a few seconds later that I was running towards the Griller. So I die, get revived, we beat a Griller in a different corner. We start getting eggs in, and then my teammates die. I think, “I’ll just revive one of them–” and then I died. We were wiped out with 15 eggs out of 14. As much as I love Inkbrush for Turf War, in Salmon Run, it is the enemy, but these stats are telling me I beat two Grillers, so I can’t be too mad.

I decide to go in one more time. Why is it taking so long to leave the overhead? Well, no one’s disconnected. The first wave, I had the Dualie Squelchers on normal tide. Honestly, not the worst weapon I could have gotten. Press the button, shoot the fish, pick up the egg…why is it taking so long to pick up the egg? The second wave, I had the Undercover Brella on low tide. It’s the automatic fire Brella, so it’s all good. Usually, I get into one of the cannons right away, but there’s a Flyfish right there, and I have Triple Inkstrike. I bomb the fish. Now it’s gone. I can get these eggs to the basket. In fact, this entire wave can be described as “I can get these eggs to the basket.” I don’t think I was ever away from the basket for more than five seconds because these eggs were landing all around me, and what was I going to do, not put them in? According to the stats, it was Chris throwing all those eggs from the shore while I’d throw them in the basket, making it the only known example of teamwork in Salmon Run solo queue. I fell in the water at the last second, Aler revived me, and then Chris shot me a couple times. Is this game okay? The third wave, I had the S-Blast on low tide, and it was just regular low tide. This was less of an egg collector’s paradise, but the bosses were still going down, and we were still getting eggs. The one problem is when I was trying to splat this Scrapper when there was a Steelhead right next to me and then I got bonked by a Chum. I get revived and pick up an egg from the now-dead Scrapper. I begin swimming to the basket and there’s a Snatcher flying by with an egg. I try to shoot it down, but this S-Blast isn’t S-Blasting. Is it the lag again? Am I out of ink? Or am I just missing? Anyway, I get the egg to the basket, go back out to collect the eggs from the Steelhead, and keep chugging. I use my second Triple Inkstrike to bomb another Flyfish, and we win with 73 eggs out of 40. I did it. I made it three waves in Jammin’ Slammin’ Salmon in what has to be the laggiest game of Salmon Run I’ve ever played where no one actually disconnected. I only got two boss kills, but I got 33 eggs, so I’m not mad.

Thank you for listening to this not-so-mini episode of The Splat Grind. Be sure to come back this Friday for even more Splatoon craziness.

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