The Splat Grind--5/5

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even E-Liters. Just E-Liters. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week.

April 30: If you’re wondering why I’m playing on Sunday instead of Saturday, it’s because I didn’t really feel like playing on Saturday because that stupid Hydra rotation was still going, and I didn’t want to play Zones two days in a row. Today’s Salmon Run rotation, however, is rated at a 4, so how bad can it be?

The first wave, I had the Blaster at normal tide. I haven’t used the Blaster since I brought it into Tower Control in January and did great. The first boss was a Steelhead. Just kidding. The first boss was a dead Steelhead. My teammate already got it. I had missed how it felt to just blast everything. Stinger skewering you? Blast a bunch of its pots in one shot. Fish Stick spraying ink on you? They won’t be in three shots. Slammin’ Lid land on the ground at a weird angle? Sayonara. What I’m trying to say is the Blaster is still great. The second wave, I had the Splattershot at high tide, and as we all know, Spawning Grounds at high tide is the most deadly situation a Salmon Run player can experience. At the beginning, I went out onto the grates to splat a Drizzler. Before I could get it, I got splatted by a Chum, and someone else got the Drizzler, but I was still by the eggs, so I picked one up. The person with the Explosher tried to revive me…and missed. Don’t worry. They got me on the second try. After that initial hiccup, we were able to dominate high tide by staying by the basket and killing everything in sight. The third wave, I had the Heavy Splatling at low tide, and I could once again experience the serotonin rush that comes with mowing down everything in sight. Stinger trying to skewer you? Just knock down all those pots until a Chum splats you and someone else gets the kill, but I was still by the eggs, so I picked one up. Once I was revived, two of us went out to splat another Stinger that had just shown up, but a Steel Eel came in right next to it, so I was trying to take down this Stinger while moving to avoid the Steel Eel, and I walked into the water. When I came back up, the Steel Eel was wrapping itself around whatever was left of the Stinger, and I was just like, “End the wave now. Kill us all. I don’t care.” Someone dropped a Wave Breaker to revive us, and we took them both out. I found a Fish Stick near the basket, and I splatted it from the bottom. That’s when TWO Stingers started trying to skewer me. I just swam up the Fish Stick, threw a couple eggs in the basket, and tried not to die. Then I went to splat one of them and got splatted by the Cohock welcoming party. There were only seven seconds left, so I decided to sit by the Stinger and see if anyone revived me. They didn’t, but we still made it out alive with 64 eggs out of 37, mainly because Razor beat 13 bosses? What?

I went in again. Once again, I had the Blaster on normal tide. The first boss was a Flyfish, and normally, I wouldn’t use my special this early, but it’s Inkjet time, baby! For some reason, I was having a hard time staying up, but I was able to look that Flyfish in his stupid face as I blasted both of his compartments. This wave was not pure suffering, but two of us tried to beat a Flyfish by throwing our bombs in the same compartment. By the time I was done reloading, though, it was just a pile of Golden Eggs, anyway. The worst thing I had to deal with was coming back to the basket to find a Steelhead and then a second Steelhead behind it. The second wave, I had the Splattershot at normal tide. The first boss was a Steelhead…and a second Steelhead behind it. Once the first one was dispatched, I fell through the grate trying to grab an egg. As I was working my way back to the top, I saw that the second Steelhead was a pile of Golden Eggs as well. I grab one and then find that I’m being chased by a Scrapper, even as I swam up the ramp. That’s when I realized the best way to escape getting chased by a Scrapper is to just drop through the grate. The rest of the wave went smoothly after that. The third wave, I had the Heavy Splatling at normal tide. It started out well, but then we sorta dropped off as every Maws and Flipper-Flopper decided to gather around the basket, making egg running–and surviving in general–pretty hard. The person with the Killer Wail clearly wanted to revive me…and missed. I might have been able to survive the Maws, but that’s when a Big Shot came in, and I decided, “I am not dying to a Big Shot.” I died to the Big Shot. We had our quota, there was still one person up. As long as they survived for 16 seconds–oh, wait. They’re dead. We had exactly 14 eggs out of 14, guys. We could have won.

I think it’s funny that I got the exact same weapons in the exact order both times. What’s the chance of that happening?

May 1: Ladies and gentlemen, today we continue our quest for 12 consecutive wins with the Mini Splatling. So far, we’re at six, which is a precarious situation because I already got six wins once. You’re telling me I have to do it again? Well, all I can do now is try my best and not panic.

The first battle was on Hagglefish Market. We had stink fart and El Watusi, while they had hotmilk and your pants, so it was anyone’s game. It started it out in our favor. We had the splats, but they had the Tenta Missiles, and I had the turning back to cover up the Tenta Missiles. Then they pushed us onto our base, but I wasn’t going to let them spawn camp us to all heck. I snuck past them and let my teammates join me right in the center. We might have been able to even out the playing field, but we still lost by five percent, thus proving that a 12-win streak is still unrealistic. Also, let’s take a moment to look at these stats. Rembingo got splatted twice. Stink fart got splatted once. El Watusi got splatted once. I got splatted seven times, so maybe that’s why we lost.

The second battle was on Wahoo World. Initially, it was looking pretty dicey. Lola had driven a Reefslider onto our side of the rotating floor so that their back was against the wall. I had my Ultra Stamp ready. They had nowhere to go. I had a free splat. They might have had a Flingza and a Dynamo, but other than that, they were not intimidating. I’m pretty sure I splatted everyone at least once. One person just super-jumped in front of my Ultra Stamp. We won by 34 percent, and I got 1039 points and six splats to four times splatted.

The third battle was on Wahoo World. This was a pretty strong enemy team with the Inkjet and the Triple Inkstrike that I got killed by because I couldn’t stop Ultra Stamping. They pushed us back, but I still needed a way to get past them. That’s when I saw an Inkrail leading to a platform to the right that is otherwise inaccessible. I cover it up, jump down, ambush someone real quick, and made my way to the other side. Getting off the rotating floor was a drag this time. I could cover both the rotating floor and the floor next to it at the same time, but the spot that I inked kept rotating away from the stationary spot, so I had to try again and again. It must have taken four or five tries, but I was able to jump over. I survived for ten seconds max after that. We lost by 16 percent. Let’s look at the stats again, shall we? Stink fart got five splats. Max got two splats. I got two splats. Adrien got zero splats, so maybe that’s why we lost.

Normally, I’d stop here, but I’m less than 500 points from leveling up the catalog, so if I battle one more time, even if I lose, I’m leveling up. The fourth battle was on Wahoo World. We had a Sploosh-O-Matic, a Neo Splash, a 96 Gal, and me. The other team had Splatlandian Youth Isaiah. Isaiah, I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. Things were going well at the start. Then after getting splatted a couple times, I noticed that the other team had FE Lara and FE k8tiEE, and matching names must mean they’re playing together. We might have had a Neo Splash-O-Matic, but they had voice coms. Things were looking bad for me, but the HUD says that the other team is losing, so things must be going good for everyone else. We ended by invading their base and didn’t realize they were invading ours until we saw the overhead. Nevertheless, we won by 13 percent.

So I might not have been able to get my 12-win streak, but in the grand scheme of things, eight wins out of 10 ain’t bad. I still want to keep using this weapon. Maybe I can do Mini Splatling Thursdays or something.

May 2: Enough with Turf War. Let’s play some Salmon Run. I start out with the Aerospray, the ultimate Salmon Gun. The first wave is also high tide. That’s not Salmon Fun. A Stinger’s coming in next to me. It’s about to be Salmon Done. Rhymes aside, the wave was pretty much a disaster after that. After we beat that Stinger, three of us grab an egg. I put mine in. Dat1guy puts his in. Delirium is running around not putting it in. I sigh and decide, “Well, I guess it’s up to me.” That’s when we were hit by the deadly double Flyfish. I get up there and throw a bomb at one of the Flyfish…and then get hit in the water by a Chum. I had to float around in my life ring trailing behind this Steel Eel. We were down to one person. Then CRIMZ! revived the rest of us, and we grabbed some eggs lying around, no doubt dropped by Flyfish #3. We got those three eggs in, at least. Then time ran out. We had eight eggs out of 10. We died in Salmon Wave One.

I took my 20-point cut. I was…I was Salmon Outta There.

May 4: Enough about Salmon Run. Let’s play some Turf War. I said I was going to do Mini Splatling Thursday, and by God, I’m going to do Mini Splatling Thursday.

The first battle was on Brinewater Springs. I could tell pretty early that this wasn’t going to be fun. I think it was the Kraken Roller standing there in the middle of three Squid Beakons that set me off. That person was really just there to get kills, but by the time I jumped into their lair, they were gone, so I don’t know what was going on. The rest of the team was an Inkbrush, a Neo Sploosh, and a Tri-Stringer, so there were way too many Killer Wails. Also, how did that Tri-Stringer get me from all the way over there? Generally speaking, I was too scared to do anything until the last minute when I decided I wasn’t going to win by being a baby, but the enemy team quickly beat me back into my place, and we lost by 15 percent. I got 892 points and seven splats, but I also got splatted seven times in turn, and our REEF-LUX didn’t get any splats or any Tenta Missiles, which honestly is a huge REEF-LUX fail.

While we were waiting for the next battle, I saw o sol, the Tri-Stringer user, switch to an E-Liter. Oh no. The only way I could win was if they were on my team. Or if Sinnerman the REEF-LUX user got a single splat. The second battle was on Brinewater Springs, and the teams were exactly the same except that Tashani moved from our team to theirs, RustyGamer left, and rita took their place. That meant I had to fight E-Liter o sol. I say “fight” as if I had a chance. The other three were already enough of a challenge. O sol parked themselves on top of that block in the center ready to splat anyone from anywhere because the E-Liter’s range and Brinewater Springs’s lack of size is a deadly combination. That block is also really tiny, so if you actually make it there alive, you don’t have a lot of room to work with, and they’re just going to jump off. I also ran towards them a couple times. Maybe that’s why I got splatted so many times. Two of us made it to the block. I was one of them, and by the time I got there, they were gone. We lost by 34 percent, and o sol got 11 splats to zero times splatted. I, however, went zero and nine, baby! Sinnerman might have managed to use Tenta Missiles twice, but they still didn’t get any kills, which is alright because I didn’t get any kills either.

The only way I could win was if I quit the lobby and joined another one. It’s not like we were the only eight people playing Turf War, right? The third battle was on Brinewater Springs, thankfully with all new people. Hopefully, Misery the Inkbrush and Atlas the 52 Gal will pull through for us–oh no they have a Flingza. This battle went better than the last one, but honestly, anything would be better than that last battle. It was kind of a challenge, but it wasn’t a one-sided beatdown. I might run towards someone using an Ultra Stamp, but that was on me. The other team had Corvin and Tia, two Splattershot Jr. mains who seemed to exclusively get splatted within their own Big Bubblers. I feel kinda bad for them. Also, that Flingza was kind of a chump. I shot them up while they were in the middle of a horizontal swing. In the last 10 seconds, both Sol Zorse the Inkbrush Nouveau and I activated our Ultra Stamps at the same time. We sorta passed each other, and I was going to laugh that neither of us splatted each other, but I somehow got them with the very edge of my stamp, which made it even funnier. We won by 14 percent, and I got six splats to four times splatted.

So yeah. Switching lobbies is what helped. E-Liters don’t deserve to exist, and E-Liter mains don’t deserve rights.

May 5: Today’s another Ranked Battle day. Splat Zones is for chumps. I’m gonna go control the tower.

The first battle was on Museum d’Alfonsino against THE ROCK?! I spent the first few seconds inking home base because I forgot we were playing the game of Tower Control. Then I went forward with everyone else. The tower starts way high up on the spinny bar, so it would take a few seconds to get there, but nari’s suction bomb helped us ink a path up there. We essentially had the tower for the whole thing because we just killed whoever got in our way, and since Crow had put a Big Bubbler on the tower, they couldn’t even hit us. Oh, you’re sloshing at us? That’s cute. Die. We were making our way there. We were about to win. I had my Trizooka ready, and before I could fire it, the game was over. We won in 59 seconds. I had five splats to two times splatted.

The second battle was on Wahoo World against dekufan?! We all started out going to the left, but if you go to the left, there’s a huge gap between you and the tower. I tried making the jump and failed. That’s when one other person and I decided to go in on the right. The other team might have had the tower for, like, three seconds before we got it. I finally got to use my Trizooka. I got one whole splat. The end of the tower’s path is on this curving ramp with these walls on either side of it, so it’s a really tight spot, where everyone’s just fighting with each other. I had to go in front of the tower and just kill. We brought it into the goal in one minute and 12 seconds, and I got four splats to one time splatted. Have I been paired up with the team of all time? Because we are racking up these wins.

The third battle was on Wahoo World. All the opponents’ names were pretty normal, but it wasn’t until I checked the stats just now that I saw they had two Kraken Rollers. After the last match, we all knew to go to the right. Nari threw their suction bomb on the tower, but isa on the other team threw a splat bomb on top as well, splatting me and nari. Isa, you dirty dog. The battle definitely started in their favor. I could see it coming over the horizon with a Tacticooler on it, which is the second most dangerous thing you can put on the tower. My tactic was just to stay beside the tower and pick everybody off. It worked some of the time. They got down to 53 before we wiped them out and took the tower for ourselves. This battle had gone on for a minute and a half, which was already longer than the last two. I was respawning as this was happening, so I ran forward to meet them at the center. When I got there, my Trizooka was ready. I got one splat at point blank, and it was also a trade. Nevertheless, we were able to keep the train going and kill everyone in our path. We won in two minutes and 28 seconds, and I got nine splats to six times splatted because all I do is win win win no matter what.

Thank you for listening to the Splat Grind. Be sure to come back next week for even more Splatoon craziness including the Zelda Splatfest.

Listen to this on YouTube! https://youtu.be/q_WSJm8Pe1s