The Splat Grind--5/26

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even finding Goldie in the same place three times in a row. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week.

May 20: T-minus 12 days until the Painbrush drops. Today is a gold random rotation day in Salmon Run. Most of the Grizzco weapons are great, but Spawning Grounds is not.

The first wave, I had the Grizzco Splatana. That’s great. We’ve got two Splatanas and two Sloshers. Even better. It’s a nighttime wave. Peachy keen! It’s Grillers. The absolute best. One person is spamming This way next to the basket while the Griller is clearly all the way over there. We slap the first Griller to death and get most of the eggs in the basket. Then the two people who aren’t me or the spammer die, and the next Griller is targeting me, and I have to swim up this wall around the Griller to try and revive them. I end up dying next. The one person alive is the spammer, and they use their Reefslider to revive exactly one person. Then they both die. We’ve been wiped out in wave 1 with four eggs out of 11.

Forget about the last time I said worst Griller wave ever. This is the worst Griller wave ever. Just imagine what could have happened if we had weapons with range or, perhaps, four people who were actually interested in winning. I almost reported that person for intentionally not contributing, but then I decided maybe they were trying. I mean, they did pull out that Reefslider. The bright side, though: it was hazard level 69.

May 22: T-minus nine days until the Painbrush drops. If that seems like fewer days than before, that’s because I’m considering May 31 to be the drop date now because Sizzle Season does not start on June 1 in the central time zone but on May 31 at 7 pm. I might just try the H-3 Nozzlenose D because the all-defense kit just seems hilarious to me.

Today’s theme for Turf War is desert-based stages. First, Scorch Gorge, and my team has two Inkbrushes and two Flingzas, which is definitely the weapon comp of all time. We got some splats at the beginning, leading to an even playing field early on. However, Killer Wail and Missile spam seemed to falter before their variety of specials. It was either, “Whoops, this Ink Vac is making me slower,” “Who put this Triple Inkstrike on our spawn?” or “Aiming a Crab at the enemy’s base? That’s just low.” However, we were able to break free of their grasp, and the Inkbrush/Flingza meme team won by 16 percent, and I got 998 points, which was disappointing.

The lobby got dissolved because Rex and red wouldn’t stop squid partying, but when I went in again on Um’ami Ruins. Red was in this lobby, too, but on the enemy team this time. At the beginning, I saw kit cat just standing there, and I was like, “Bro, you good? Is your connection unstable? Are you just AFK?” After a few minutes, I decided I had more important things to do and went on my way, dodging enemy fire and splatting people who apparently didn’t know I was there. Then with a minute 46 on the clock, four people got Thanos-snapped out of the game, leading to a 3v1, and since we were past the first minute, we had to play it all out. I was just thinking, “What’s the point? There’s no way that one kid’s going to win. Let’s have a squid party in the middle.” I squidbag a few times in the middle. No one seems to notice. That’s when I notice everyone else has taken the fight to enemy base. I swim up there and say, “You know what, Edhyun, I’m sorry your whole team disconnected. Allow me to present the olive branch with this squidbag.” Instead, Edhyun bashes me on the head with his Krak-On Roller. Then I decided, “Alright, buddy. This means war.” I super-jump over there and try to take them down, which still feels bad considering splatting one person equals a wipeout. Then it got to the point where they were just standing on that first platform out of the spawn defending themself with exclusively vertical swings. We won by 72 percent, I got six splats to four times splatted, and I still feel bad for Edhyun. Definitely the craziest battle I’ve ever been in that’s lasted the full three minutes.

The third battle was on Um’ami Ruins with a completely intact lobby, and this time, my team had two Inkbrushes, a Splatana Wiper, and a Squiffer. Not as memey, but half of the team still lacks range and damage. It started out even, which feels good, but the enemy team pushed further onto our base. I had to remember what I had learned the last time I won on Um’ami Ruins. Er, the last time I won a 4v4 on Um’ami Ruins: literally anything can happen. All I needed to do was jump on that platform to the left, take the Inkrail to the center, and cover everything in sight. Before long, your teammates will follow. The difference this time, however, is that we were pushed back onto our base in the last minute. We lost by ouch percent, and I got #1 Overall Splatter with three splats, which makes me wonder what the rest of the team was doing.

A note to Nintendo: Please please fix your servers. For poor Edhyun’s sake.

May 23: T-minus eight days until the Painbrush drops. The Light Tetra Dualies come with four dodge rolls and Zipcaster for maximum messing with people, and the Tenta Sorella Brella has the Trizooka to give it the offensive buff that it needs. In the meantime, though, we’re playing Salmon Run with da Beeg Sweeg.

The first wave, I had the 96 Gal on normal tide. It’s a high-damage weapon with the fatal flaw of slow, but it has the range to let me kill this Slammin’ Lid from above. The next boss to come in was a Steelhead. I was close to beating it, but then I saw people who needed reviving and focused on them instead. I don’t think we ever beat that Steelhead. The second wave, I had the Splash-O-Matic on normal tide. This weapon has lower damage, but it has a higher firing rate and more accuracy, which makes it even easier to kill stuff, if anything. I also figured out that if you throw an egg while jumping, the egg won’t bounce off that stupid ledge the basket is on top of. Why did they even put that there? With my new higher firing rate, I could strand Flipper-Floppers and splat Fish Sticks from below like a champ. The third wave, I had the Big Swig at normal tide. The first boss to come in was a Big Shot. I attempted to This Way while mashing the Big Shot to death. Everyone else showed up, but the Chums converged on me before I could pop any of the eggs into the cannon. Also, there’s a Steel Eel blocking the basket, so have fun with that. We take down the Steel Eel, get the eggs in the basket, and in comes a Flyfish. I know what I have to do: find the Flyfish and then activate the Inkjet. I have to stay in the air and also land on a hit on this little dude while he was flying around. I managed to beat him right before the Inkjet deactivated, and I landed, as it happened, right in front of the eggs. We beat the round with 43 eggs out of 37. I beat 10 bosses while hii got zero as well as zero golden eggs and zero revives. I don’t think they were throwing. I think they were trying and not succeeding, which makes me wonder how they got to Overachiever in the first place.

On my second round, I started with the 96 Gal at normal tide. The lights were going down, which already made this wave more interesting than the other ones. I was expecting it to be something stupid like Grillers, but it was actually Goldie Seeking this time, and would you look at that? Goldie is right there. One person uses their Killer Wail to deal as much concentrated damage as possible. I, however, put myself in charge of getting a few good hits at the beginning and then moving in to pick up the eggs it dropped. We’d find it again, right? In fact, we found it in the same gusher a stone’s throw away from the basket three times in a row, so our quota was done. The fourth time, amazingly, it was in a different gusher in a different corner. It was in its small form, and I had a Gal. Would this be the Goldie Seeking wave where we splatted a Goldie? The answer is no. The second wave, I had the Splash-O-Matic at low tide. As I stood there wondering where the first boss was going to come from, a Flipper-Flopper landed right next to the basket? Don’t mind if I do. Then the Flyfish showed up. I knew what I needed to do: find the Flyfish and then activate the Booyah Bomb. I missed both of them. That’s right. There were two, and I’m pretty sure we just ignored them. We were just surviving while we beat this Steelhead and this Fish Stick and whatever less threatening bosses there were. We survived long enough to make it to wave 3, and I had the Big Swig on normal tide. This one started with a Big Shot and then another Big Shot. The Chums killed my entire team after we downed them both, so I had to swing my roller hoping to revive anyone, but once we were back in business, I’m pretty sure we got, like, ten eggs in ten seconds. After we had made our quota, I saw rara in their life ring in the corner. I survived the Stinger and the Flyfish to get to them, but once they were alive, I went down next. As I sat in my life ring, I saw the Splash-O-Matic icon light up again, and then I was up again, and people started going down. There were a ton of bosses around the basket. We had our quota, so we didn’t need to fight any bosses. We didn’t need to grab any eggs. I just needed to revive people by hitting them with my roller and live. We successfully ignored three Flyfish with 55 eggs out of 40. I also got nine revives, which must be a new record.

But seriously, how often does a Flipper-Flopper land right where you want it to?

May 25: T-minus six days until the Painbrush drops. They’ve announced some new cards, but I don’t think I’ll ever use them because I hardly change my deck. However, today is Mini Splatling Thursday, and the lobby DJs have decided that today is Splatoon 1 day for some reason.

The first battle was on Mincemeat Metalworks. This battle started out tough because PANDA the Dapple Dualies Nouveau was on our base dodging around. We splatted them and kept on going. They were losing for most of it mainly because they left this perfectly good spot on their base unattended, and Ash was standing in enemy ink firing their Trizooka. Usually, I shoudn’t get this close to a Trizooka, but this isn’t usually. They almost had us, but we won by 12 percent.

Several connection issues later, the second battle was on Wahoo World. My side had two Mini Splatlings, which might be a bad thing, especially since the other team has a missile spammer and a Booyah Bomb spammer. Okay, maybe “spammer” is a bit much. It was four missiles and three Booyah Bombs, but it felt like a lot in the moment. I was still out there trying to cut to enemy base as quickly as possible because they were on our base, and all this turf was just sitting there unattended. That is, until the Big Swig got splatted, and I knew once they respawned, they tried to get me. It was actually Braty kid the Tentatek Splattershot who got me first. We lost 17 percent.

I quit the lobby so I could redeem another food ticket, but then I saw that I hit level 30, and thus my locker was upgraded to the Extra Tall Locker. I spread out my stickers and added another shelf of stuff before going back in. The third battle was also on Wahoo World, and our Dynamo Roller is already in the water five seconds in. There was someone named BugFart on the other team, and there was no way I was going to lose to them. However, the most threatening member of the enemy team was ryuuto the Inkbrush, who was trying to mash me and Killer Wail me at the same time. I’m not sure which one got me first. There was an Aerospray and Dapple Dualies Nouveau, so there were several Reefsliders, and Sodapup the Undercover Brella was on our side adding to the chaos. Despite our efforts, the enemy team held the line, and we lost by 13 percent.

Then I remember I never redeemed that food ticket. I do that. Then I go to the Shell-Out Machine to gamble away my sorrows about losing to BugFart, and what do I get but the holo squid sticker, the most expensive sticker available from the Shell-Out Machine? It’s even better because I’m flat broke. I put it on my locker alongside my new Mini Splatling sticker that I just got for hitting two stars, baby.

May 26: T-minus five days until the Painbrush drops. Since there’s a Hydra in Salmon Run today, I’m going to play some Rainmakeur today. My Tacticooler was so threatening in the last session, so I’m going to use the N-Zap 89 today.

The first battle was on Scorch Gorge. The thing about Scorch Gorge is that I’ve never played Rainmaker there before. My team had two N-Zap 89s, but the other team had Morgan the Tri-Stringer, who could snipe me no matter where I was. I might have also made a couple stupid decisions such as firing my Super Chump at home base because I thought that was where the enemy team was, charging onto enemy base and covering turf like it was Turf War, and carrying the Rainmaker straight to the enemy team. I also learned that when you get splatted by the Rainmaker explosion, it shows you the person who broke the shield, who as it turns out was Morgan. We lost by 48 points after exactly five seconds of overtime, and I got 1241 points. Morgan got 19 splats. I thought for sure they were going to break 20.

The second battle was on Manta Maria against duliedevel spelled wrong presumably because Dualie Devil doesn’t fit into 10 characters. Anyway, replacing Kirby the Krak-On Roller in this battle was–Morgan?! This never happens in Ranked! Well, Morgan, the fate of this team rests on you. Don’t screw it up. The thing about Manta Maria is that I’ve never played Rainmaker there, either. I decide to take the Rainmaker first because even if the entire enemy team jumps me a second later, at least I did something. And then someone on the enemy team disconnected. What are we supposed to do? Leave? Well, yes, but we won the part that we did play, so yay. We all decided to stick around, so Morgan, the fate of this team rests on you. Don’t screw it up, and one or more players disconnected.

The third battle was on Scorch Gorge, and Morgan was nowhere to be seen. My team had three N-Zap 89s. SlayQueen the Bloblobber needs to get with the program. The enemy team broke the shield in about six nanoseconds. We converge on the Rainmaker. Four of us die. They get the Rainmaker first. It doesn’t get much better after that. I decided that my job was to clear out people trying to break the Rainmaker shield. I didn’t realize, however, that the Rainmaker shield could also clear me out. We got knocked out in a minute and 54 seconds. The enemy team could have at least waited six seconds so I could get an extra 100 points for my catalog.

So I’m still getting used to this crazy Rainmaker thing. Maybe if I really want to be aggressive, I should play the Splash-O-Matic. I know that’d make me a filthy meta player, but maybe it’s meta for a reason.

Thank you for listening to the Splat Grind. Be sure to come back next week for even more Splatoon craziness, including the dawn of the Sizzle Season.

Listen to it on YouTube! https://youtu.be/M9R_lRWB3iA