The Splat Grind--5/19

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even E-Liters who suddenly get better at the game when they’re on the enemy team. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week.

May 15: I might not have played at all over the weekend because I was busy graduating and stuff, but I’m ready to get back into Turf War. Flounder Heights is in the rotation, and I’ll be bringing the Inkbrush without the Ultra Stamp.

The first battle, thankfully, was on MakoMart. The other team had two Chargers. Hopefully, this would be a bad team comp, and they’d capsize. The battle started out fairly well. I got my Killer Wail in 15 seconds like usual. Then I made it to the center and found that the TokoFukawa, the Inkbrush Nouveau on the other team, had drawn a heart on the ground and was jumping around in the middle of it. That’s cute. Die. This was going to go great. One person was actively throwing. Unfortunately, the chargers were pretty good, especially Ruby-lin the E-Liter, and TokoFukawa, despite their shenanigans, was evading capture by me specifically. Over the course of the last minute, we gradually let the lead slip away until we lost by 18 percent, and TokoFukawa got the most splats out of anyone in the lobby, so I don’t know what they’re doing, but it’s working.

The lobby dissolved, but I went back in at MakoMart. On my team were Aldajk the Tri-Slosher Nouveau and Cosmos the Z+F Charger from the last battle. Again, we started out with the lead and got some early splats. Evading enemies was easy enough until I ran out of ink. However, the other team had a Neo Splash-O-Matic and a Tentatek Splattershot, leading to a constant onslaught of Triple Inkstrikes, including one right next to Aldajk’s Tacticooler. I miraculously survived. At the end, they made it onto our base, and Aldajk disconnected with 10 seconds left. We lost again by 18 percent, but I got 1287 points and four splats to three times splatted, and it didn’t count towards my win-loss ratio.

This lobby got bombed, too, and I went in a third time at the feared Flounder Heights. I didn’t see anyone from the last battle, but I did see mila the Aerospray RG, whose entire strategy was get onto our base and Booyah Bomb. Classic Aerospray gameplay, amirite? Anyway, I was on home base for a minute trying to keep their mess contained, but I made it that whole time without dying, so I’m not complaining. The strangest part was that they were the ones in danger, so maybe it was just mila causing trouble. I was able to break free of home base and cover up their side as well despite mila being on home base again? I might have been suffering, but we still won by 17 percent, and I got four splats to two times splatted, and mila’s constant base invading was actually a good thing because covering it up got me 1377 points, which must be the fourth or fifth most I’ve ever gotten.

Why is it that whenever I think I’m doing good, I’m doing bad, and whenever I think I’m doing bad, I’m doing good? Well, at least I can detilt in Tableturf–what do you mean, we’re playing on Box Seats?

May 16: So I just saw the Sizzle Season trailer, and y’all are about to see the first Painbrush main. As soon as I get five stars on the Inkbrush.

The first battle was on Museum d’Alfonsino. The problem with Rainmaker on Museum d’Alfonsino is that the Rainmaker starts on that spinny bar in the middle, and it’s hard to get on top of it especially when the enemy team is on top of the Rainmaker. I don’t remember much of this battle. I just remember that there was a lot of dying, I tried using a Tacticooler at the last second before we got wiped out, and we lost in a minute and 28 seconds. Also, hiname with the Splash-O-Matic, how could you possibly get eight splats in a minute and a half?

After several minutes of matchmaking woes, I got into another battle on Museum d’Alfonsino. This time, we were able to get good footing on the spinny bar, and I had the Rainmaker first for about four seconds. Then the other team took it almost to the checkpoint before we stopped them. Then I had the Rainmaker, and I took it almost to the checkpoint before they stopped me, but I stopped at 69, so nice. We didn’t get past that. It was mostly just trying to stop them from getting to the goal. My main beef was with the Splat Charger on the spinny bar because as long as they were there, we wouldn’t be able to advance. I ambushed them once. Then I tried to ambush them a second time, but they jumped off, and I kept firing at them. I got my special, so not knowing what else to do, I deployed the Tacticooler and grabbed a drink so then I’d have an instant respawn for when I ultimately lost this fight, and then the game ended. Apparently, while I was distracted, the rest of the team knocked us out in four minutes and 10 seconds, but our team had a disconnect, so it didn’t count as a loss.

However, I did not fully internalize that I wasn’t given a loss, so I decided, “I’m not losing this series here. I’m going to play Splat Zones in Open.” I got my Aerospray and dropped myself into MakoMart. Our team had two Aerospray RGs, and the other team had one and a Hydra, so get ready for so many Booyah Bombs. This enemy team was highly dominant, led by a very angry Octobrush. Whenever somebody got splatted, it wasn’t by one person. It was by the entire team jumping them. I had to sneak around the zone trying to load my Reefslider, ride it in, and see what happened. It did not work. They knocked us out in a minute and 55 seconds.

However, I had 160 points until my next catalog level, so I decided to play just one Turf War. I also got the Inkbrush Nouveau because apparently, I was 200 points away from getting three stars. My fourth battle was on Um’ami Ruins. I traded off with ThatGirl the Inkbrush Nouveau while we were both using our Ultra Stamps, so that was funny. Then I respawned and saw purple hell on our base. Haha the Range Blaster was the person who seemed to be everywhere. I had to get past the enemy team and run. Run until they were far behind me. And then Ultra Stamp my way onto their base. Try to splat someone and miss. And then turn around and see the rest of my team has broken free. Now we were the ones laying on the hurt. They tried to claw their way back, but we still won by 10 percent, showing that literally anything can happen on Um’ami Ruins. I also got eight splats to six times splatted.

I feel like I have to say this: every battle for the past two days except for one, I’ve only seen the orange/purple color combination, and I’ve always been on the orange team. I might be cursed.

May 18: T-minus 14 days until the Painbrush drops. Apparently, it has a slow first swing followed by fast swings after that, which doesn’t sound too bad, but it also has Wave Breaker, which means my brush Reefslider dreams have been dashed again. Anyway, it’s Mini Splatling Thursday, and the stages are Mincemeat Metalworks and MakoMart, so not the worst combination.

The first battle was on Mincemeat Metalworks. My side had the E-Liter while their side had two variations of Splash-O-Matic, so let’s go boys. I think my first mistake was Ultra Stamping my way to their side, surviving a Triple Instrike but dying to literally everybody else. I think I found them in a group at least twice. At least I was able to splat gothboypup on his lonesome. While we were in the lead for most of it, the double Splash-O-Matics were giving us a challenge. In the end, though, we were able to fight past them and win by 22 percent.

The second battle was also on Mincemeat Metalworks. Both Splash-O-Matics were gone, and the E-Liter was still on my side. I made it to the center and found two squids just chilling in front of me, one from each team. My immediate thought was “Free splat!” so I splatted one of them and kept going. Then I activated my Ultra Stamp and stamped two people, so I already got more splats in 30 seconds than I did in the entire last battle. I’m pretty sure Bradorks the Aerospray RG was just there to squid party, which must be why they only got 620 points, two splats, and no Booyah Bombs. Definitely not classic Aerospray gameplay except for the time they still managed to splat me despite being stuck in my ink. I knew from the moment I splatted that squid partier, this battle was going to go downhill for me because TokoFukawa was a squid partier, and they got nine splats. Anyway, I saw an Inkjet get splatted out of the air, and we won by nine percent.

I was hoping the third battle would be on MakoMart because why does it always give me the same stage three times in a row? It was still on Mincemeat Metalworks. Bradorks was on the enemy team, but so was mindblow the E-Liter, and suddenly they got good. Sure, they might have gotten nine splats in the first battle, but it’s easier to tell how good they are when you’re on the other end of the barrel. I had to play an evasive game, staying out of the way and trying to splat anybody else, which would be a lot easier if this Splatana Stamper wasn’t zipcasting away. Also, they splatted me with only Burst Bombs? Rude. We lost by 23 percent, and I got no splats. Not a one. Mindblow would get to me first.

The second battle was orange vs. purple, and I was orange again. I truly am cursed.

May 19: T-minus 13 days until the Painbrush drops. There’s a Big Run scheduled for June 9 on Undertow Spillway, which I know is going to be hell on high tide. There’s also an Eggstra Work scheduled for June 30 now with a solo option. Hopefully, I’ll have wi-fi for this one.

Anyway, Salmon Run on Marooner’s Bay with three weapons I’m not entirely confident with. The first wave, I had the Bloblobber on normal tide. Why is it so cloudy? Is Marooner’s Bay just like that? I was at the end of the stage wondering where the boss is when the other team started spamming “This ways” closer to the middle. We beat a Scrapper. I grab an egg, throw it to the basket. I miss. I go back out. Here comes a second Scrapper because they’re doing challenges in Salmon Run, too, and this one’s called Too Many Scrappers. Actually, this was the end of the Scrappers for this wave. The second wave, I had the Splat Brella on low tide. This wave was easier, especially considering that we ganged up on the first Big Shot that showed up and beat it before it could do anything. I stayed behind to cannon the eggs, but I had to fight off Lessers while doing it. Then I decided to go out and beat a Stinger. I beat it, get clobbered by Chums in the process. Thurgood revives me, and I decide to help with defeating the deadly Double Fish Sticks. Anyway, we cleared the wave. The third wave, I had the Bamboozler on normal tide. The first boss to come in was a Flipper-Flopper, and I had probably the worst weapon for turfing, so it took a couple tries. And a little help. This was another one of those waves where the bosses just kept multiplying. You beat a Maws, here comes another. You beat a Flyfish, here comes another. This Steel Eel’s not tracking you, but this one is. Good luck getting that egg in the basket. We made it to the end with 50 eggs out of 34, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to jump off the boat to avoid this Flyfish missile.

And that’s when Cozunu showed up. I don’t know what everybody else’s meters were at, but I just got here. On the bright side, I had the Splattershot Pro, which is the weapon I feel most confident with. Then we were hit with a Stinger and a Flyfish right at the beginning. My plan was to beat the Stinger while everyone else beat the Flyfish. Once I get the Stinger eggs thrown at Cohozuna, I swim over to where the Flyfish once was, and the Cohozuna was sitting right on top of it. Like, I could see the egg clipping into Cohozuna’s giant stupid pants. I’m trying to get that egg while also trying not to get crushed. I did get crushed, but I also got the egg after I got revived, so take that. I got slammed again later on, and I started spamming Help because there was no one nearby, and the first person to come to my aid was a Scrapper, which did not help. I did eventually get revived by a teammate, but there were 10 seconds left, so I ran out to the docks by myself because we were so close, and I hoped beating this Stinger would give me the eggs we needed. We did not beat it in time, but I got my first silver scale, so yay.

I wish Thurgood had stuck around because listen to these stats: 11 bosses defeated, 8 revivals, and 1009 Power Eggs. Instead, it was just me and draganfrut accompanied by ganyu and…Zuzu? As in “obliterated me with a Nautilus last week” Zuzu? Yes, indeed. They had the same name, same number, same title, same badges, and I have a few choice words for them, which is “your Brella shield is blocking my view.” I had the Bloblobber at normal tide. It’s hard to say this wave went well. I had the range to fight this Steelhead, but the Bamboozler got it instead. I did also beat a Slammin’ Lid from above with this range. The golden eggs piling up on the lifts helped in filling the basket. I just don’t think we were beating the bosses fast enough. We had 10 eggs with, like, five seconds left with one person holding an egg, and I was like, “I’m sure they’ll get to the basket in time.” They did not get to the basket in time. We lost in wave 1 with 10 eggs out of 11, negating everything I had worked for in the pervious run.

I checked the merch counter to see what I could buy with one silver scale, which is nothing, and then left. I fought my Cohozuna. I saw everything I needed to see.

Thank you for listening to the Splat Grind. Be sure to come back next week for even more Splatoon craziness.

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