The Splat Grind--5/12

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even two Grillers targeting me at once. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week.

May 5 at 7 pm: Ladies, gentlemen, other abominations, the Splatfest has begun, and Wisdom, being the blue team, will blind everyone with their ink and win. We’ll also win because we’re skilled. While the Mini Splatling is fun, I’m gonna use this Splatfest to grind up the Inkbrush.

Battle 1: Wahoo World against Team Courage. This was a good battle for us. Sugarkat and CRT both had Forge Splattershot Pro, so they supplied the Booyah Bombs. The only person who splatted me was Loobie the N-Zap 89. Like, what do they have against me? I’m just a simple Inkbrush main. I got my revenge at the end after they had already launched their Super Chump. We won by 22 percent, and I got 1214 points. Battle 2: Wahoo World against Team Power, and it was a 10x? Already? Sugarkat left, but they were replaced with Apollo the Sloshing Machine, so we still had double Booyah Bombs. I should have known that one savage brute on Power would be on our base in 10 seconds, but I have the wisdom to know they’re not my problem. My main is a wet rag, and there’s a ton of viable turf on their side. I really hope the person on our base is the Splattershot Jr. who just died. This was a fair battle, by which I mean we were on each other’s bases fairly often. As I turned back to home base in the last 10 seconds, I realized they had covered our base, and I was like, “We lost, didn’t we?” and then we saw the overhead, and I was like, “Oh wait, we won!” We won by eight percent, and I got 1291 points. Battle 3: Mincemeat Metalworks against Team Courage. I got my first Killer Wail in 15 seconds, but menkisser the Aerospray RG also got their first Booyah Bomb in 15 seconds. Classic Aerospray play. The first minute went great. We had them pinned on their base, but then we fell off. Maybe it’s because they had an Inkbrush and a Splattershot Nova, making for a constant slew of Killer Wails. I’m pretty sure they used theirs at the same time at the end. We managed to get some ink in the center. The margin’s probably gonna be, like, 16–what do you mean, we lost by 38 percent?! I also got 994 points, which is incredibly disrespectful.

I can’t believe I lost to a guy named menkisser. They got five Booyah Bombs when Apollo and CRT had four total. I hate Aerosprays when they’re not me. So far, though, I’m feeling good about this Splatfest. Call me up when it turns into a repeat of Milk Chocolate.

May 6 at 7 am: My hands are still shaking. Let’s see if I can still type this.

Battle 1: Brinewater Springs against Team Power. Our team has an E-Liter. As long as the other team doesn’t have one, we’ll be fine. Oh, look. They’re got three variations of Splattershots and an N-Zap. The beginning went smoothly. The rest of my team is taking out the opponents while I’m zipping around surviving. Seriously, I went a minute and a half without getting splatted, which ain’t that bad. I think it was when I died the first time that the enemy team started charging our base, and then I really had to survive. However, we were able to break through and win by 13 percent, and I got 1133 points and four splats to three times splatted. As it turns out, the E-Liter did close to nothing. It was the Splatana Wiper carrying on splats. Battle 2: Mahi-Mahi Resort against Team Power. This battle started our amazingly. We had the whole center covered. Twice I went to enemy base looking for turf, and twice I got splatted. It was when ethersea got to our base in three clever jumps that things started going downhill. They got both of those flanks that show up when the water level drops. We tried to make a comeback, but we still lost by eight percent, and let’s not talk about my splat count. Battle 3: Mahi-Mahi Resort against Team Courage. Mr Advisor the E-Liter switched to the Bloblobber. They must have decided it wasn’t working, and Clover the Custom Splattershot was replaced by MazZle the Tri-Slosher Nouveau. Again, it started out great. We had the whole center. The MazZle dropped a Tacticooler, and I just had to go back for it, surviving an absurd amount of enemy fire to get there. Then I activated my Killer Wail, splatted two people with it, splatted a third by slapping, got splatted myself, and got the instant Tacticooler respawn, so I could keep chugging. I think I forgot to mention they had an Aerospray RG and a Forge Splattershot Pro, so we also had to survive six Booyah Bombs, two of them right next to each other. This time, we lost by six percent, and I got eight splats to five times splatted.

I think I’m just gonna pick the easy option and blame Mahi-Mahi.

May 6 at 10 am: Now I’m just convinced this game hates me. Let me list the ways that it has punished me.

Battle 1: Eeltail Alley against Team Power. The game punished me by putting me against an Aerospray RG and a Hydra Splatling, making for seven total Booyah Bombs on my face. We lost by 26 percent, and the Aerospray RG was named Slurmp, so there was no way we could win. Battle 2: Eeltail Alley against Team Courage. The game punished me by putting me against Camden the unsplattable Splatana Wiping Machine. They got 16 splats to one time splatting, thus making me want even more an alternate version of Turf War where everyone gets five splats maximum. Luckily, we won’t ever have to see camden again. Battle 3: Eeltail Alley against–wait, we’re against camden again?! I did the first thing that came to my mind and quit. Battle 3: Mincemeat Metalworks against Team Courage. Thankfully, camden was gone, but now I was being punished by an E-Liter and a Dynamo Roller. Hopefully, my teammate take da L would help us. The Dynamo Roller was very Dynamo-y. The E-Liter was very E-Liter-y. I splatted them twice. It was a close game, but we still lost by two percent because Nintendo wants to punish wisdom.

You know what, if I go three losses again, I’m just gonna quit. The Splat Grind stops for no one, but this is just a game, and I reserve the right to stop playing whenever I want.

May 7: So Splatfest might have kicked my butt, but no one’s going to stop me from playing because there’s a random rotation going on in Salmon Run right now. I’m going to switch out my Inkbrush for a Grizzco Splatana and go out to Sockeye Station where all the cool kids are.

Oh my gosh, I actually got the Grizzco Splatana wave 1. What do you mean it’s high tide? As it turns out, it does have a vertical swing that sends you flying across the stage. It just takes longer than I’m willing to wait. One of the bosses was a Slammin’ Lid. Since my Splatana’s vertical swing couldn’t hit it from above, I decided to go below. I went a little too far below. My teammates got it instead. We were beating bosses in a timely manner, but the Tri-Slosher was taking their sweet time getting their egg in the basket. However, we powered past high tide and made it to wave 2. 52 Gal? Seems more manageable. Normal tide? Seems more manageable. Lights going down? Uh oh. This time, the Grillers were out because why not? I did a decent job of staying out of the way and shooting the Grillers from a distance. I decided to stick around the basket and pop eggs in. That became a problem when the Grillers decided the basket was a nice place to be. They ran over me and then two of my teammates. Before I could experience death by Grillers again, the last person threw their Wave Breaker in time. The third wave, I had the Splat Brella at normal tide. I have no idea how to use this crazy shield thing, so I guess I have a non-automatic shooter now. The first bosses were a Steelhead and a Scrapper. I decided to chase the Scrapper down first and Brella it to death. Then I swung around to the Steelhead to watch it be killed by everyone else. This is when the Big Shot came in. Refusing to be killed by another Big Shot, I rushed to the shore by myself and Brella’d it to death. I started loading eggs into the cannon when I was kindly alerted that I was the only player alive. I was weaving my way around the Maws, the Flipper-Flopper, the Slammin’ Lid, the Steel Eel, and probably also the Flyfish trying to revive someone. I got one person revived before I got one-upped by a Slammin’ Lid, but all four of us were alive when we got out of there with 51 eggs out of 37.

I went in for another round. The first wave, I had the Jet Squelcher at high tide. This wave also started with a Steelhead that everyone else killed before I could, and I have the range to get it from a safe distance. However, I also had the range to kill a Fish Stick from the top of the tower, which makes up for it. The second wave, I had the Rapid Blaster on normal tide. The lights were going out. There’s no way I’m gonna get Grillers TWICE, right? The game said, “No” and gave me glowflies. I tried to do that one strategy where you get on the wall and the Salmonids just die, I guess, but I fell off the wall, and I got bonked by a Chum. I had to be revived by Inkjet exhaust. I was at my best when I didn’t have the glowflies on me and could blast Salmonids from the side or when I didn’t have glowflies on me and could run eggs to the basket or when I didn’t have glowflies on me in general. Otherwise, all I could think to do was back away slowly and die. We made it out alive, so I guess the strategy is just live. The third wave, I had the Grizzco Splatana at normal tide. I began to wonder how many vertical slashes it would take you to launch yourself to water if you went in a straight line, but that wasn’t important because this Drizzler is out here taunting me. Before I could beat them, though, I saw a lot of “This ways” in the corner. Apparently, a Big Shot had showed up, and as the Grizzco Splatana, I had the damage to beat it right now. I was one hit away when it disappeared into the water, and I just had to wait until it came back to sucker punch it. Then I was bonked by Chums, and I decided to ignore the eggs and make my way towards everyone else was to get revived. I got revived, but there was a Fish Stick right freakin’ there. I trudged toward the basket with the egg I had. In fact, we were all trudging around. Nevertheless, we survived with 46 eggs out of 37.

I also got my Star Trek shirt. It has Swim Speed Up. Too bad I can’t use it until the Splatfest is over.

May 8: I kind of knew Team Power was going to win based on conch shells and the halftime report, but did Team Wisdom have to get second in EVERYTHING? We got snubbed. Anyway, now that Splatfest was over, I could finally wear my Star Trek shirt. I’ve got my Colander of Truth. What’s the worst that could happen?

The first battle was on Inkblot Art Academy. It started out a little bit annoying because my teammates kept getting the parts I was going to cover, but then I saw the enemy’s Octobrush on our base in 15 seconds, and I knew it was going to be one of those battles. My first response was to Killer Wail and run. I don’t think they died. After that, I was having the time of my life, covering everything in sight, occasionally making forays into enemy territory, killing people directly in front of me because apparently, they’re blind. One minute left, I turn around, the enemy team is still on our base. I had to focus on home base cleaning duty. Mantaspray the Octobrush was dispatched. I spawn-camped the REEF-LUX, but it wasn’t like they were much of a threat anyway. ONLY three Tenta Missiles. I also ambushed mantaspray before the battle was over. We were able to salvage the situation just enough to win by three percent, and I got 1303 points and eight splats to two times splatted. Mantaspray only got four splats, too, so maybe you should learn to walk the walk before you talk the talk.

I quit the lobby to redeem another food ticket, and I went back in to Inkblot Art Academy. We had a Z+F charger on our team. Hopefully, they’re good. I was once again beat to covering home base by my teammates. Other than that, the battle started out swimmingly. We really had them where we wanted them. Except for Slugo the Kraken Roller, who caught me by surprise at least twice. I escaped them once, but then they turned into a Kraken, and I just swam out of there. At the end, they started raiding our base. I traded with a couple of people. You know how it is. We ultimately lost by 16 percent, and I got 1166 points and seven splats to five times splatted. Lemme just say, if I’m getting #1 Overall Splatter, there’s something wrong with my team.

The third battle was on Undertow Spillway. Kirb the Tentatek Splattershot from the other team in the last battle was now on my side. They were the top turf inker and the bottom splatter, so it’s a win-lose. Most of this battle was spent avoiding people. Normally, when someone starts firing at me, I run away, and they fire at me, and I keep running. Then I run out of ink. Then I die. This time, someone started firing at me, and I ran away, and they fired at me, and I kept running, and they kept firing at me, and I turned a corner, and they kept firing at me, and I reached a wall, and I turned around, and I splatted them. Their fault for using the Splattershot Nova. I made it a minute without getting splatted. After that one minute, it went downhill. They were on our base, and may I quote what I said earlier with “Then I run out of ink. Then I die”? That happened multiple times. Despite evading the shots of Toyota the Splattershot Nova, we still lost by 26 percent. The other team had two Undercover Brellas. I can’t believe we lost to two Undercover Brellas.

I also changed my legwear to pants. I feel like the Star Trek shirt goes better with pants.

May 9: The Salmons are running. We have to catch them. With the L-3 Nozzlenose on Spawning Grounds.

Anyway, the first wave, I had the N-Zap on high tide. Then the place got dark. I was hoping it would be something decent and manageable, so of course it’s Grillers. Surviving at the beginning was easy enough. Shoot the Griller, put the eggs in. Why do we only have four eggs in? Why is the quota 14? Since when is the quota 14? How is the quota 14? As the wave progressed, though, it got harder to get a good vantage point to shoot the Grillers from, mainly because they were too close. That’s when I notice that both of the Grillers are locking onto me. All I can do is run around in circles going “You’ll never get me here! You’ll never get me here! You’ll never get me here!” until my teammates eventually took ‘em down. We made it out with double our quota, but worst. Griller wave. Ever. The second wave, I had the Nozzlenose on normal tide. The first boss was a Scrapper. Easy kill. I turn around and see a second Scrapper. Easy kill. That’s when I saw a Big Shot come in partially damaged. I went out to the shore like a fool and splatted the Big Shot while a bunch of Chums tried to kill me. I survived the Chums but not the water. Then I was revived, and I focused on getting those eggs to the basket. We had made our quota, sure, but let’s see how many bosses we didn’t get to beating: three Steelheads, two Flyfish, and one Fish Stick. Before long, I was the only one up. We only had ten seconds. If I just backed away slowly until time ran out, we’d be fine. Did not work. We were wiped out with 15 eggs out of 15 and four seconds left. I didn’t realize until I checked my stats on SplatNet that I had the Wave Breaker.

Let’s go in again. It can’t be that bad. The first wave, I had the Nozzlenose on low tide. The first boss was a Big Shot. I tried going out by myself, but I got Cohocked by a Cohock. By the time I was revived, though, the entire team was there killing that thing. We didn’t have much time to celebrate, though, because a second Big Shot was coming in. It did not last long. We got all those eggs in the cannon. When I noticed none of those eggs were getting in the basket, I returned to the basket to get on egg collection duty except there was a Steelhead on basket-bombing duty. I just had to survive until my teammates beat it. Once it was gone, I turned and saw Are You Serious Big Shot #3, not to mention the Stinger that was trying to kill me specifically. We beat the wave, and–Julien, where are you going? We all super-jumped back to the center for wave 2. I had the N-Zap on normal tide, and the lights were going down. I was hoping it would be something decent and manageable, and it was Goldie Seeking. I was going out to the corner because there’s no way Goldie’s gonna be right in front of us, right? That’s when I hear that the rest of the team had found Goldie without me. We chased it down across the grounds. When I reached the basket, however, I noticed that no one was on egg duty. I got some of the dropped eggs into the basket and saw that Goldie was gone. Time to get searching again. It was in the first gusher I checked. We got more eggs out of it, but I let it slip out of my grasp. However, I was able to see which gusher it disappeared into and found it right away. I chased it down and watched it dive into a different gusher. I shot that gusher first. It was not there. Having five seconds and no idea what to do, I threw the egg I had on me in the basket. The third wave, I had the Rapid Blaster Pro on high tide. The first boss was a Slammin’ Lid and then a second Slammin’ Lid overlapping with it. I wanted to see if we could get one to crush the other, but we killed one before we could figure that out. The wave was a constant increase of the number of bosses attacking us at once. We were so busy with everything that we hardly bothered with the Flyfish raining missiles on us. I was wondering, “Why hasn’t anyone dealt with that thing? How is it firing so much? Are we ignoring two Flyfish?” We made it with one person alive and 62 eggs out of 40.

I got a new Star Trek shirt with Special Power Up and Quick Respawn. Time to boldly go where no squid has gone before.

May 11: Welcome back to Mini Splatling Thursday. Today’s stage is Flounder Heights. Is it a bad idea to bring an Ultra Stamp onto Flounder Heights, the stage with the most height changes and therefore the most places for your stamp to get caught? Of course not. What’s the worst that could happen?

So of course the first battle was Flounder Heights. We had an early lead…and a middle lead…and an end lead. I should have known this was going to be a doozy when I noticed it had been 20 seconds, and no one had died. I used my Ultra Stamp, and, as you may have guessed, I fell. Another time, I got caught on stuff, as you’d expect. The biggest threat was Soundwave the Splatana Wiper. They splatted me a few times, but they always got their comeuppance before long. We won by 21 percent, mainly because JASPER carried on splats, allowing for DragonBorn to do nothing. I also got only one medal. What the heck?

The second battle was also on Flounder Heights. DragonBorn was on the other team, so how bad could it possibly be? I got one whole Ultra Stamp, and I was stamping my way up the ramp to the center when I got caught on that ledge in the center. Tired of this getting caught on stuff, I jumped up and threw the stamp. I heard someone die, but I didn’t get a splat notification. I saw Zuzu firing at me. I tried firing back, but I should have known my Mini Splatling wouldn’t have been able to tear through their Nautilus. In fact, they were the absolute menace of the enemy team. Every time I tried going up against them, I lost. In fact, we lost the whole thing by 28 percent, mainly because Zuzu carried on splats, allowing for DragonBorn and jaxontv7.8 to do nothing. However, I did get three medals this time, which is an improvement.

I quit the lobby and went back in. The third battle was on Mahi-Mahi Resort with all new people. The other team had itsmemary, who also had a Mini Splatling, so I had to prove I was the superior Mini Splatling. It started off well enough. I charged onto enemy base with my Ultra Stamp…and fell into the water. It’s when I respawned that I saw itsmemary and SnowDandy the Flingza Roller on our base terrorizing us with the Ultra Stamp/Tenta Missile combination. I knew that before I could leave home base, they needed to go. I stealthily splatted SnowDandy, and my teammate got itsmemary. Then we could move to the center and keep tearing it up, except that stupid little Danger icon wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried. That’s when I checked the map and saw pink all over our base. I respawned and helped cover it up. Then we returned to the center to see what we could do. The overhead looked like it was the difference of one splat bomb, so of course we lost by 10 percent, so never trust the overhead. I got 909 points, which was better than the last two battles and better than itsmemary, which is what matters.

I’m gonna be real with you, I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to play on Friday because that’s when my parents are coming to town. If this is the end of the podcast, thank you for listening to the Splat Grind. Be sure to come back next week for even more Splatoon craziness.

Listen to it here! https://youtu.be/eCLQQtyJ_Cs