The Splat Grind--4/21

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of the Splat Grind because the Splat Grind stops for no one, not even the Dodge Roll Power Up ability. Today, I’m going to tell you my Splatoon 3 highlights from the past week.

April 17: I got my wi-fi back…after Eggstra Work was over. To everyone who played, I hope you had fun, and I wish I were you. Monday is usually a Turf War day, but I’m going to play some Salmon Run to make up for what I missed.

The first wave, I had the Carbon Roller at normal tide, which was good because I spent my wait going around like wheeeee! The first boss was a Scrapper. By the time I got to it, it was already stopped, so all I could do was bash it in the face. That seemed to be my whole strategy: bash it in the face, and it seemed to be working because we were getting a lot of eggs. At the end, we were getting terrorized by a Maws. I threw a bomb at it, but it ate me at the same time it exploded, so I died, but so did it. We were all around the basket, so I was fine. In between waves, I noticed I had a silenced call from a number I didn’t recognize. I thought, “It’s probably nothing. It’s probably just a scam call.” The second wave, I had the Jet Squelcher at normal tide. The first boss was a Steelhead. Since I had the range to beat it without the risk of getting blown up, I was running in like, “I am Squelcher. How can I help?” I think Madeline beat it first. Madeline and Harry were the ones who were the most on top of things, but that’s when things seemed to come crumbling down. First of all, there was a Stinger, and then there was a Flyfish. Ain’t that peachy? Madeline were able to take down the Stinger, but then we got swarmed by Lessers. And then we got the one player message. And then we were dead. We had nine eggs out of 14. I think that if you exceed your quota, those extra eggs should roll over into the next wave so you have a head start.

At this point, my phone is showing three missed calls and a voicemail. I think, “Okay, maybe this is important.” I listen to the voicemail. As it turns out, it was the police department of a town further south of here. My brother is applying, and they wanted my help in doing a background check, so call us back here’s our number. I leave the lobby and call them, and now I’m the one being sent to voicemail, so I leave my voicemail and decide, “It’s gonna be a while before they call back. I’ll queue up again.”

The first wave, I had the H-3 Nozzlenose, which oh God–wait, they’re calling back already? I panic, quit the game, take the call, answer their questions, start the game up again, go back to Grizzco, and my rank is at Overachiever 10. So what happened is they docked 20 points for helping my brother get a job. Instead, I went to drown my sorrows in Tableturf bots.

You know, maybe it was for the best because I was going to get slam-dunked from 82% hazard to 46.

April 18: Since I skipped Turf War yesterday, I’m going to do Turf War today. I’ve also decided to put my journey to get five stars on the Inkbrush on hold to try some new weapons. First off, I’ve been hoping that my beloveds, the Enperry Splat Dualies, would be coming back, but Nintendo has been too cowardly to include them, so I’m just buying regular Splat Dualies instead.

The first batte was on Museum d’Alfonsino. We had Sussy and Dommymommy, so there was no way we could lose. The real menace of the enemy team was s0uP. They were always splatting me. Even when I was trading, it was with them. They were getting onto our home base which is unfair because on Museum d’Alfonsino, once I’m in the center, even I don’t know how to get onto our home base. Despite such, I tried as hard as I can. This was my first time using any weapon with the KREB, so I got splatted twice while using it. I’d understand if we lost. This was my first battle with this weapon, but we won by…hold on let me get my reading glasses…one point six percent, and I got #1 Enemy Base Inker despite still not knowing what qualifies as enemy base on Museum d’Alfonsino.

The second battle was on Scorch Gorge. s0uP was on my team, so there was no way we could lose. The real menace of the enemy team was SODA!!!!!! (you gotta say it in the Joe Biden voice or else it won’t have the same impact). Then again, there was also Jake. And jaja. Basically, the enemy team was a menace except for BB. This battle was mostly them invading home base, but I actually made it past them, made it through an entire KREB without dying, but then SODA!!!!!! immediately splatted me, but then they died right as time was called so there. I wouldn’t say we lost by two percent. I’d say we brought the margin down to two percent with what was happening. Then I got the message that one or more players disconnected, so the match won’t count as a loss, which was weird because the whole thing was a 4v4. Apparently, jaja’s internet decided to give out on the results screen. Thank you, jaja, for saving my win-loss ratio. Then I noticed SODA!!!!!! had the Tri-Slosher Nouveau. I get it.

The third battle was also on Scorch Gorge, and it was worse. SODA!!!!!! was on the enemy team, of course, carrying them on splats. s0uP switched to the Forge Splattershot Pro. Hopefully, those Booyah Bombs will help us pull through. I got my Crab Tank and was firing at SODA!!!!!! on a high ledge, but I kept missing, and as soon as the Crab Tank was gone, only then did they jump down and splat me, and thus continues the saga of Daphne not knowing how to aim. They were on our base, I tried my darnedest to sneak past them. Despite the huge streak of pink we were able to leave across the center at the end, we still lost by 19 percent, and SODA!!!!!! got 12 splats.

The Splat Dualies work well as a shooter, but I keep forgetting that I can dodge-roll, and if I can’t dodge-roll, what’s even the point of using dualies? Wake me up when they add Inkjet back.

April 20: It’s another day in Turf War, and I’m still trying out new weapons. When Chill Season rolled around, I tried out the Zink Mini Splatling, and I liked it well enough in the sense that if I needed an extra Shelldon license, I’d play it to one star, so why not give the regular Mini Splatling a try. While testing it out, I came to a conclusion. So the Mini Splatling has a quick charge and low damage, right? So this is a weapon that thrives on full charges. You cannot start charging again mid-fire. However, there is nothing stopping from holding ZR mid-fire so that it immediately starts charging after it’s done. I was going to be the dirtiest Mini Splatling user you ever saw.

The first battle was on Undertow Spillway. There was also a Heavy Splatling on the team, so double the Splatlings means double the fun. We also have a Sploosh-O-Matic and an Aerospray RG. Wait, is the Aerospray named Feferi? Oh no. I’m on a team with a Homestuck fan. Anyway, the battle went great. Holding ZR mid-fire was actually an excellent choice except for when I forgot to do it, but when I did do it, the serotonin of covering everything I saw willy-nilly was unbelievable, and since I had the Ultra Stamp, I could go even more ooga-booga. My favorite part was when Yoshimi was trying to splat me with their Crab Tank, and I was trying to maneuver my way up to them, and since the Crab has been nerfed and the Stamp has been buffed, I could flatten them like a pancake…twice. XInkDemonX disconnected with 11 seconds left. I’m guessing they rage-quit because they couldn’t handle our raw power. We won by 15 percent, and I got eight splats to four times splatted. Eight splats, and I’ve just picked up this weapon. What, did they just not see me? Is this the Daphne Tett we all know?

The second battle was on Brinewater Springs. Bill Cyher had just dropped into the lobby. They left out the P. Not only are they a Gravity Falls fan, they’re a bad Gravity Falls fan. They are also very good at this game, as it seems. They had the upper hand for most of it. Also, Feferi was on the other team, so the Booyah Bombs were on the other foot. The first two minutes were spent surviving. Then in the last minute, I had gotten past the spawn campers, but noticed that home base was still covered in teal, so I do the crazy thing of driving my Ultra Stamp back towards home base. I splatted Yoshimi, who had just finished KREBing it up. With home base covered again, I paved the way for my teammates to break free of our base and charge onto theirs in what has to be the quickest turnaround I’ve ever seen in terms of time difference between “we’re screwed” and “they’re screwed.” I love Splatoon. I love Turf War. I love everything about it. I love that we went from dead last to winning by 16 percent, and I got 1027 points. I also got three splats, so the miracle doesn’t last forever.

The third battle was on Undertow Spillway. The last lobby went kind of kablooey, so I was with new people, including K O I, who was impossibly good at dodging my shot. What, did they stack their clothes with the Dodge Roll Power Up ability? This was a good battle. They pushed onto our base for a big, especially when dream busted out the Kraken, but we pushed them back, and I ended the battle by taking a victory lap across enemy base with my Ultra Stamp. We won by 31 percent.

Is this my true calling? Was I meant to be a Mini Splatling main this whole time? From what I remember, I also got 3 for 3 with the Zink Mini. You know, I originally wanted to get the Inkbrush to five stars so I could switch to maining the N-Zap guilt-free, but I’m wondering if I should switch to the Mini instead. Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion.

April 21: So today is Salmon Run day. I have half an hour before the rotation switches to…one random weapon? Um, okay.

The first wave, I had the 96 Gal, and it was low tide. As the lights went down as the giant tornado showed up in the distance, I knew what it was. However, my teammates did not as one of them was this way-ing closer to the basket. I think they got the memo soon enough. As the first crate dropped in, I decided to use my Reefslider to break it, which got it most of the way. I think our saving grace was that one of our teammates was smart enough to stay behind and throw the eggs halfway while the rest of us took ‘em to the basket. Give me a universe where Giant Tornado isn’t easy. The second wave, I had the Inkbrush on normal tide, and while I love the Inkbrush, it has the capability of a wet rag in Salmon Run, and it didn’t help that we had a disconnect. Except in that our quota was lower, but when two of us are dead, there’s only one person who can revive us, and they did with their Triple Inkstrike before they themselves died. The third wave, I had the Splattershot Jr on high tide, and like, we tried to survive, but there was a Slammin’ Lid right next to the water. How was I supposed to get any eggs when there was the risk of drowning AND getting crushed. What I’m trying to say is we got wiped out with three eggs out of seven. That’s right. Seven. Our quota dropped from eleven to seven because we had TWO disconnects. God bless Splatoon 3’s netcode ‘cause that’s the only thing that’s going to fix it.

I go in again. The first wave, I had the Dapple Dualies on low tide. The quota was 14 on Wave 1? What kind of Eggsecutive VP level was this? We were doing the best we could do with a Flyfish and a Slammin’ Lid coming in first. We had gotten plenty of eggs, but the bosses were real. I was on my way to the basket when a Steelhead bomb lands next to it. I decide to stop at a safe distance…which apparently was not safe enough because I still got blown up. We had two people alive with 10 seconds left. If they could just survive, we’d be great. The third person dies, we only have one left…the fourth person disconnects, and that’s what wipes us out with 17 eggs out of 10 because the quota is 10 now. They should at least auto-revive one person in that situation. However, because of the disconnect, I only got half the penalty. I could go in again.

The first wave, I had the Inkbrush at Mothership, and I cannot think of a worse combination. Unless it were high tide. Anyway, we got seven eggs. I could hear the Mothership coming in, so I decided to stick near the basket so I could hit it away. It started sucking at the basket, so I started whacking at it with my Inkbrush and all my might, wondering where my teammates were, and watching as the egg count ticked down from seven to six to five to four, but at least it went away at all, and by the time it showed up again, we had enough eggs that we didn’t have to worry about making quota, and my teammates were actually there to help me hit the stupid thing. We survived, but I’m never going to forgive you guys for this. The second wave, I had the 96 Gal, and it was a normal normal tide round. I don’t remember much about this round except that we lived. Wave 3, I had the Splattershot Jr., and the lights were going down. We weren’t going to get Mothership AGAIN, were we? Just kidding, we got Goldie Seeking. The first time we found Goldie was excellent. We found it on a far corner, but we were able to chase it towards the basket, and once it dove back in the gusher, I picked up any remaining eggs and popped them in the basket. The second time we found it, we had it a little bit less together. We only got three eggs. The third time, well, I heard it. I didn’t see it. I think we all collectively lost sight of it and just started shooting whatever Lessers were nearby, and that’s how we lost with 12 eggs out of 16. All of us survived, and more importantly, none of us disconnected. I hate Splatoon. I hate Salmon Run. I hate everything about it.

Thank you for listening to the Splat Grind. Be sure to come back next week for even more Splatoon craziness.

Listen on YouTube! https://youtu.be/1P21C5KzCzg